I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
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the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome