Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(607): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.

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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome

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