Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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