forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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