You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
