Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
