still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
