Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
