at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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