I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
