is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
