positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She's the barista slut.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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