The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
