I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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