I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
