Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
