things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
