i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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