omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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