i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize