I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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