Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
