Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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