The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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