This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
