Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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