thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
