I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
