Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
