I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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