I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
