The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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