We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
