the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
