oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
