Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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