someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
