her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
