i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize