if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
