only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
