He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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