when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
