who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
