Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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