I hate all girls vehemently.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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