My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
