I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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