I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
