i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
