This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
