Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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