Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
