know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
