so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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