it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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