I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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