I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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